I’m sorry for my past, but there isn’t a whole lot I can do about it. I can’t change the way I was treated, the fear that resulted from it, the scares I have, the pain I feel, the tears that fall for what seems like no reason. If I could go back, knowing what I know now and change it, you know I wouldn’t think twice. I’d give anything. I wish people understood that. I wish I could explain what it was like, there are no words. I wish I wasn’t afraid of everyone because of what a one persn did. I wish I was me again. Happy, smiling, laughing, joking, without a care in the world.
I have nightmares. I see his face, the look in his eye when he backed me into a corner, the steak knife lying on the counter. Him snapping his fingers and demanding I met him in the bedroom. Me running into the bathroom before he can see the tears starting to fall. When he started yelling at me, grabbed my arms and started shaking me. When he would stand between me and the door, not letting me leave.
Then I think of you. I think of how patient you were with me. The way you looked at me when you found out about what happened when I got home. The way you helped give me the strength to leave when I was terrified of what he would do. The love in your eyes, I can always tell that you mean it when you tell me. The way you pull me closer and wrap your arms around me. The way you kiss my forehead when I’m resting on your chest. The way you make me laugh and smile.
Sometimes, I don’t know how to tell you things, but thats when I need you to just wrap me in your arms and tell its all gonna be ok..
Mamihlapinatapai
(noun)
alook shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin.
